Unsympathetic Viewer

So not crazy about the title. . . and the fact is this has nothing to do with much except my own personal rant about my life sparked by an episode of Burn Notice.

Although I love Jeffrey Donovan because of Touching Evil, I was seriously disappointed with Burn Notice, the story of a spy who got kicked out of the spy business and spends his time with his misfit violent spy like friends trying to find out why he was burned and in the meantime works as a mercenary for random underworld like people. This is a summer season show but USA is currently replaying the first season in preparation for the 2nd summer season coming soon. Last night I caught a rerun of the rerun because CourtTv is all messed up and there is no sound. Otherwise I would have been able to watch Party Heat or Beach Patrol at 2:30 in the morning like I usually do after a night out at the bar. Really I was suppose to be watching Aladdin but a phone call ended that plan. . . so needless to say I really didn't want to be watching Burn Notice in the first place. On top of that I had already missed most of the beginning.

So quick summary . . . some chick is a witness for the prosecution and the prosecuted really doesn't want jail time. So Jeffrey Donovan and his crew have to protect this chick, a teenager, and her mother, from Columbian drug lowlifes trying to kill her. This involves no contact with friends and hiding in his mom's garage for a while. Of course, the biggest upset is missing the Spring Formal. Already my sympathies are being tested by the ungrateful wench.

When all the best attempts fail to get the Columbians of their back, Donovan informs the put upon and attitude fueled witness that she will have to run away to Buffalo. Probably the best lines in the whole episode:

Wench: What am I suppose to do in Buffalo?
BA Donovan: The same thing you do here. They have malls . . . and clothing stores . . .

While his character is totally sympathetic, his dialogue illustrates the already ridiculous stubbornness of the teen.

And this is pretty much that part of the episode where I tune out and get pissed off. The problem stemming from her whole "Moving disrupts my entire life and how dare you ask me to do such a thing even though it is the only way to save my life. I'm a high school senior for god's sake!"
I think that's the part that really bothered me. Because I too was a senior when I was forced to move (yet again). And I've never received sympathy or god forbid pity. Even though it felt like the end of my world (and not because of 'regular' teenage attitude but because of the various psychological disorders that when undiagnosed in my youth).

As a military dependent, moving was pretty much a regular part of life. Everyone moved, so I thought. Some people more than others. Admittedly I moved less than some other military families I know but more than a few others. And even though we stayed in Nebraska for 6 years, I use to my friends coming and going. The problem was, that once we moved, my life was spiralling out of my control. A huge problem for someone with anxiety issues.

At the time I was considered a quite and shy child. That probably was the only thing wrong with me . . . at the time. Then a series of events occurred that thrust that 'inherent personality flaw' into a full blown disorder. They were in such quick succession that I can't even figure out what which was the main culprit: tonsil surgery involving overnight hospital stay and creepy male nurse, death of grandparents (two grandfathers), moved from quiet neighborhood in Nebraska to a busy city in Colorado, death of another grandparent, loss of friends not through moving but because they decide they don't like me, no more family vacations to visit family in Arkansas, elementary to middle school change, and you know being a teenager in general. And probably more that I just can't remember. . . It all kind of combined into this giant atom bomb in my life where I retreated further and further into myself and away from the unstable outside world.

I can't explain why I chose the outlets I did. It wasn't peer pressure, I did what I wanted and chose my own friends. I think I may have chosen them based on a fear of rejection. So instead of trying to make friends with band geeks and the magic nerd like I wanted, I went with the degenerates in my apartment complex. So instead of getting into pogs and D&D, I got into shoplifting, sneaking out, skipping class, and smoking. For a long time I just thought I was a bad person. Now I realized that I really was trying to control something in my life, in order to control the crushing anxiety I felt.

Things didn't get better, I just did less "illegal" things once we moved to England. Instead I drank, slept in cars, and broke curfew. Then we moved just before more senior year. And I gave up trying to make it work. I just broke away. I got my GED and moved out and I was in full control of my life, except for those things you can never control like 9/11.

I think it is fair to say that I have gotten completely off track. If I even had a track. Like I said, just a rant about my life in general. Or rather my childhood. Cause it's been on my mind. After that I was in control of everything and it just became a struggle to live. At least in my mind. And eventually I got treatment for anxiety and depression. I don't feel like the same person anymore. I'm not hanging on for dear life because I don't feel like it's slipping out of my fingers constantly (only at those times when the world tilts temporarily). And I don't know what the rest of my life will be yet but now I'm looking forward to it.

And the end of Burn Notice? They fake a surveillance tape and get the Columbians to turn on their own low life. The whiny witness and her mother get to go back to their life. And Donovan gets a clue to his burn notice.